I am a confusing creature. My life changes day by day. Sometimes second by second. The scenery changes, the animals change, my own feelings change.

This may sound like a story about a depressed soul, but I am not like that. I am not depressed, but this doesn’t mean I’m happy either. I’m locked inside an ever changing world, but I’m never really locked. I’m trapped inside a maze of ideas, but I’m never really trapped.

I am the voice inside everyone’s head. I don’t know about anyone but my host. I am whatever they want me to look like. To some I am a god, to others I am a demon. I’m almost like a ghost. I will look however my host wants to see me. If they are afraid of me, I will become a demon. If they want me to be a source of happiness and peace, I will look like a god.

People don’t seem to think about me. I am something that flies past their own mind. They can use me without thinking. Just as their heartbeat, a whole different creature.

They may use me every day, but they don’t know how to properly do so. What they do doesn’t concern me. I am simply here to act as a source of sanity. Without me, they would not be able to think about anything in their own minds. A mindless creature is what they would be without me.

They mistreat me. Their nightmares invade me while I’m trying to help. A forest could easily harvest millions of monsters. It can also hold millions of flowers. I live in both of those.

They confuse me. Just as I think I’m exiting the maze. The maze will change again. It will come up with an entirely new idea and switch the maze into something more complex.

They search for something to do. While they do this, I am searching for a way beyond these walls that lock their minds into thinking they have no creative ideas.

Humans seem to love ideas of creativity. They get nervous when they know they are not creative enough for a certain task. Even in my host’s body. I can feel the heart pumping quickly as she writes this. As if it would help her to become nervous.

As I said before. What the humans do is none of my concern. That is unless it affects me.

I see these monsters every day, and I see those flowers every day. I try to throw these all to the side. I try to keep their minds, myself, in check. In reality, I am a living creature just as they are. I cannot keep all these monsters trapped up in the small box inside me. I release some every so often, but the monsters come more quickly.

The humans are simply idiots. They can’t seem to realize that I am holding half their demons. They can’t seem to realize that the stress that goes on them also comes on me.

Or maybe I’m jealous. I’m jealous of their ability to interact with others. I can only interact with the heart. I am jealous of their ability to find activities they enjoy doing.

I’m confused myself. I’ve always been a seed planted mainly for sanity. Does my releasing of demons really affect them? Now, I feel guilty, but then I feel angry. I have no voice to talk to in my head. I am the voice in their heads.

I have the knowledge they have, and they try to stress me further on tests. They search for answers that will not be found. I want to search for answers as well. I want to become a complete person with a body and a voice of my own.

If I had the voice of my own, would I be putting another living soul in the same place as I am?

I want to be able to change myself. I become mischievous. I am a part of them. As much as they try, they cannot ignore me.  Sometimes this only brings on more sadness.

I want to break free from myself. What would happen then?

-Kali Herbst